10/22/2021 0 Comments October ShmocktoberIt’s the most chaotic time of the year.
We’re no longer “starting out” the school year and yet the end is still not quite in sight. It’s the time of midterms, looking forward to final projects, and all of the little things in-between. Most of us are excited to participate in Halloween festivities this year, but are so caught up in work that October 31st might as well have literally creeped up on us. And still, the next break we can rely on is focused on emphasizing what we’re grateful for. It’s as if the greatest comedian of all time put together the almighty academic calendar. Burn everyone out and then demand to hear their gratitude during the half week they get to rest. Then send them back to school, suck them dry during finals, and after a few weeks at home, do it all over again. It’s relentless. But, if I may play the devil’s advocate for a moment, this purveyor of holidays may have been up to something. Maybe, just maybe, the giving of thanks we observe every year is put in place to humble us during some of our toughest times. There is a reason why gratitude journals sell so well, after all. Taking a deep breath during these stressful, cold as hell days and looking at the people around you- really looking at how thankful you are in this moment can help keep the anxiety of it all at bay. I used to write a blog in high school for a class that focused on our future careers. Most of the blog prompts were up to us and I remember writing little anecdotal posts that always end with some positive tag. I cannot stand reading them back now. But I am a little more cynical now, four years later. So I’m hesitant to give you that woo-woo “the universe is on your side… let it be… write in your journal for eight hours a day” shit even though I have a love-hate relationship with it, myself. In the end, it’s easy to be cynical. It’s easy not to trust each other and revert to seclusion- especially now. But it’s hard to be present. And, by the way, I hate how “being present” is pushed on people now- it’s so annoying. What I mean is to make note of the space you’re taking up and ask yourself if you’re being intentional with that space. That’s what has been helping me, at least. But I’m no positive preacher so I’ll end with this: F it all and do what you want!! Uppercut your way through October!!! See you soon.
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9/28/2021 0 Comments A single stepIt’s amazing what you learn when you remove yourself from what you once thought defined you.
Recently, I’ve struggled with discussing my transition from theatre to journalism. It’s as if I want to abandon that part of myself altogether and start completely new. It feels shameful to discuss what I “once was” and how it didn’t work out in the end. I’m excited to fully embrace my new future and to immerse myself in learning all of this new material. But at the same time, talking about my past is inevitable. A complete reinvention isn’t necessary to become happier. So while I’ve made amends and am moving forward head on, I am prepared to let people in on my past. How lucky it is that I’ve spent so long honing a set of skills to then realize it’s time to move on. How lucky it is that I have the capacity to learn new skills and to constantly be growing. How lucky it is that I’ve had this choice to begin with. Jen Sincero wrote in You Are a Badass that you don’t always have to know where you want to go or what you want to do next, but when you know something needs to change, a step in any direction is a step in the right direction. Since putting my foot down in a new direction, I’ve been healthier and happier than ever. Was it a cure-all? God no. But I’m constantly learning new little things about myself. I finally feel like I have the brain capacity to absorb new information whereas before I just felt like I was walking through a cloud of smoke, unable to learn or think clearly. I’ve learned that I feel really successful when I have a lot to do. But before, I just felt overwhelmed and paralyzed from my work. The only thing that’s changed since then is the work itself. That’s when you know changing your direction isn’t as scary or difficult as it once seemed. It’s essential. 7/10/2021 0 Comments Moving in a new directionA few weeks after last semester ended, I made the decision to no longer pursue a BFA in musical theatre and instead explore journalism.
Tonight, the reality that I might not perform again for a while, or (worst case scenario) ever, really hit me. By the end of the semester, I was able to identify that the flood of negative emotions I had been experiencing the past year meant studying MT was no longer fulfilling and it was time to move on. The high stress and high expectations were not things I could personally handle, and I've come to terms with that. However, stepping away from a massive part of my identity has been daunting. I’ve been trying to figure out if I discovered theatre for myself or if it kind of adopted me as soon as I could “walk with purpose” and helicopter mom’d me ever since. As I’ve been learning “just because we are good at something doesn’t mean we have to capitalize on it,” I think my conclusion is the latter. I’ve been living life for as long as I can remember with my career in full view, worrying what my next move will be in order to achieve success. And I’m experiencing the brunt of an (albeit short) lifetime’s worth of burnout. I’m looking forward to studying journalism, and I hope to travel the world and listen to every single person’s story I can reach. I’m excited to learn new things with people I probably would’ve never met otherwise. I’m excited to have talent that’s unassumed and surprising. I’m excited to discover new parts of myself; new talents, and skills that have been waiting patiently to unravel. And I’m excited to find my true identity. |
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